How To Fix Everything..

You only take an interest when you're bored.

'No one is available to chat'

So. Been on my own today and yesterday, well Steven came round at 10pm - but I don't think that counts as he left at 8am, meaning I didn't really have much time to talk or banter before bedtime.
It's kinda made me realise everything is a bit sucky just now, well more so than usual. I've been talking to my kitten (more so than normal) due to my severe lack of company. My best mate is always working and everyone else I know stays too far away or just doesn't have the time. I've been so fucking bored of being bored!

I was opening Facebook chat earlier to see who was online and it took an age to load saying 'no one is available to chat', story of my week much? I know this is a pretty depressing blog but I'm feeling pretty low (self-pity is always attractive) and I have no one to talk to about it, hence the typing here.

I finally got a job in a salon near me but it's voluntary. Pretty much so I can get the experience every employer wants. Hoping to impress them and get a PAID job. Makes me pretty annoyed with myself that I never took the job I was offered when I was doing work experience in a different salon. But hey, everything happens for a reason, no? Once I show them how capable I am, I'm sure something will come of it. Even if future employers see it on my CV and know that I have experience. It's a shame all the countless 'homers' I do, don't count. Fuck it. I'm really excited, I've to go down on Thursday and I cannot wait.

Feeling pretty anxious and thoughtful about other aspects of my life but I'm not going into detail here, maybe when one of my 'friends' finally has time for me I can babble about it to them.

Spent a great deal of time lately wishing I'm not who I am. Not in the literal sense but just changing aspects of my thoughts and personality that I hate but can't seem to shift. I don't know if any of you ever get this.. but my automatic reactions and the stupid little things that piss me off, piss me off that they piss me off!

Aw, I dunno. These are the ramblings of a nutter butter.

I'm sure I could go on and on and on about silly little things that don't matter. But then again, someone once said to me 'If it matters to you, it matters'. Maybe I just need a little inspiration. Or medication as the case may be!

Anyway, I'm going to leave it at this... before I sound even more self-pitying! I'm sure once I'm working and back at college, these silly things won't matter as much. Just need to wait and see how it all goes I guess!

xox

Teen Angst, that still applies at 21..

So, I was clearing out my room (moving house an' all that) and came across one of my many, many notebooks full of lyrics/statements/feelings from when I was 16. A lot of it is pretty good but some really does make me want to curl up and die! The reason for this blog though, is one entry full of hate. I'd decided for whatever reason to vent my hates on paper. Some, maybe most of it still applies. Although it's kinda depressing, I'm pretty proud of it. And here we go:

"I Hate you"
I hate that I screwed up,
I hate that I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I can't make you believe what I say.
I hate that I'm too pathetic to do anything drastic.
I hate that you can't see how much I care.
I hate how you can't be in my shoes and feel how I feel.
I hate that I caused all of this.
I hate that there is no point to life if you feel like this.
I hate that I can't make you see what I'm willing to risk.
I hate that you think I'm so insignificant.
I hate that you judge me so harshly.
I hate that you're so selfish.
I hate that I'm so selfish.
I hate that you talk to HER, of all people.
I hate that I don't have enough patience for your silence.
I hate that I don't have enough courage to speak.
I hate that my objections and comebacks are so weak.
I hate that my weak replies irritate you.
I hate that you don't understand me.
I hate that you think I don't understand you.
I hate that you think time will resolve this.
I hate that you think pushing problems away, solves them.
I hate that I'm holding back.
I hate that I'm so insecure.
I hate that I have to beg you.
I hate that I have SO many childish fears.
I hate that your words are so calm.
I hate that I can't stand it when you're calm.
I hate that you can't do anything else but agree to me begging.
I hate that I'm so weak.
I hate that I'm such a coward.
I hate that I'm so broken.
I hate that I can't end this.
I hate that I don't know who I am anymore.
I hate that I'm frightened of what I'm becoming.
I hate that I've built walls around myself.
I hate that I can't let anybody in.
I hate that I won't sleep.
I hate that I'm too scared of life to do anything.
I hate that I have no one else to support me.
I hate that you make me think this way.
I hate that I always say things I don't mean.
I hate that I can never be myself.
I hate having to put on an act for everyone.
I hate that I can't trust and yet still trust far too easily.
I hate love.
I hate that I LET you make me feel this way.




I hate that I hate all these things and yet, love you to death...






Yeah. Some teen angst in all of that. Yet, I love it's poetry. I may have only been 16 but it would seem I was older than my years.

And maybe depressed. Hahah.

xox